Im lost...
Confused... and dont know where to go...
I believe a lot of people will be damn happy
when they ORD.
But me... I believe as I m counting down the days
to ORD, Im counting down the days of my comfort zone...
Seriously, i dont know where to go after ORD.
I cant get the focus of think and plan what job i want to apply
or whether to get a degree which i seriously dont feel like studying anymore
and yet i m afraid i cant get a decent job wif my thin diploma.
I cant get the focus... i dont know why...
honestly speaking, whenever i get down to think and plan in this area,
i will get headache. With this, i always try to avoid thinking abt it.
THis is just a short term excuse for me to divert my attention away.
Thats why i continue to hardcore gaming to divert my attention.
Buying a PSP is just a attention diverter for me.
It help me a lot through my ns life...
And i influence a lot of ppl in my camp to buy psp...
feel so bad...
Im such a joke.. I plan everything for our future...
but without concrete foundation.
maybe army reali ruin me...
2 years... A phase tat benefit some who sign on... or so called "garang"
fighting for a place to go to OCS or sispec? ha...
tats not me...
Ppl say, why not fully utilize the time here... strife for the best...
maybe u can say im pessimistic.. which i feel im still is...
but... seriously why force yourself to do something you feel you
have zero or negative interest?
Yes its all your mind... You choose your own path, you fight for your path
you try to get your path. THis is what army taught me...
I cant seems to use this concept into the area i wanted to apply.
Maybe my will is not strong...
Maybe my determination is not strong....
Maybe somesort of fear, phobia is lurking within me
which i dont want to admit.
In the whole picture, I just want a simple life...
Able to survive...
Able to start a family,
Able to be live simply and happily.
Able to give love ones the minimal needs.
Im not a guy who aim high,
say what in his life, he wanted to be a millionaire...
Wanted to have high key profile...
wanted to be the greatest...
no... tats not me...
Im just a very very simple person...
Get a decent job.... work hard
get paid, be happy, least complains,
see wife happy, see children happy,
parents happy....
Maybe my thinking is what ppl called "tian zhen"
Well... maybe...
I dont wish to aim high to get any unnecesssary stress.
My goals in life
are very simple...
I dont need any high sense of acheivement.
But with all these... i cant get my mind right...
I dont know why...
Maybe im on leave for too long....
but this sinking feeling always appear when im alone for too long...
Sometimes i will have this feeling when im in camp... haha...
159 absolute days to ORD. I still remember counting down when i first step into
bedok camp
it was 659 days.
its been 500 days... wow? i dont know... seems fast... but a tough slow journey left... next year will be a tough 1... luckily i will onli go thru 5/12 of it.
I believe i can think better when i ORD. Maybe... too much distraction in army...
Its like you are living in fear... Out of nowhere, you can be charged for something i feel illogical. You feel you will be threaten under law... tats y im trying to be friends possibly with everyone in camp... but seriouly speaking, you cant get along with everyone... there bound to be somebody... you cant work with... sore in the eyes.. u know...
i believe it will get worse when i go into the working world... i just pray i can work along with the ppl i work with can le... working happily with lower paid is far more better getting a high paid job and work like a dog.. or worse being a stepping stone for your superior... i m afraid the reality is this.... too bad... This is Singapore..
I think im too long winded... needa a diversion of attention.. gaming time...