Fighting against time again. Just came back from zhu home. Doing nthn just nua at her home as usual. Yes, today get leave from camp and escape from hell for 1 day. haha.

yeah hell... A place where im being mentally tortured. May not be as bad as others who have to run under the sun. sweat like just caught in the rain. I dun care how jialak other ppl are. But me myself is suffering under this *beep*.

Everyday have to play hide and seek. If not arrows will fly through me from any directions. Why? Is this the way how life in army should be? To being mentally tortured?

Will this benefit me in the long run or well assist me in anyway in my future? no way. Ya, maybe im negative minded but what can i do? seriously.. I have no idea how to make it through the days of october till late november when all my friends there go for their recourse. And 3 of the other clerks will be leaving me. Yes only me the one and the only clerk facing *beep*.

Nothing will happen except i can foresee more and more arrows heading towards me. I just hope i can do guard duty everyday except weekends to siam *beep*. Army is guiding most of us to be a good leader.

Im sorry to say, i cant see any qualities in *beep*. just pray everyday pass smoothly. tell parents about this, they always say bo bian one. must serve. Yes i heard it all along.

Who dont know that?! I just pray hard i dont step into depression or something worse than that. I always looking for nights out, book out, to get some recovery in building my "freedom" brain cells.

This weekend have been spend wif my family and grandma. Hai. My grandma's memory getting worse and worse. What can i do? To see her carry on like this? As her eldest and the grandson she adore most, for shes the only granny i have and i love most. If not becos of army, i can spend more time toking to her. She might not be so lonely and her condition may not get worse.

ARMY!!!!! 2 years!!! If not becos of army, i can earn extra allowance to help in family financially. More time with family, granny and gf. SEriously, have any men in sg who serve ns, fight in any war b4?

Putting aside this, my father's health isnt that good either. All i can do is escaping from reality? What i can do seriously? I really dont know what to do except to escape. FAce it? How? What i can do? Nothing. Im really tired most of the time. Mentally exhausted. I cant seems to see things apart nowadays and i dont know why.

Smile? its just a smile on the face. Smile from heart? I lost the technique ever since i entered this "reign."

I just need a long break which is no way possible to happen.

Seriously lost in the mist of life.............