❥Tuesday, February 21, 2006,2/21/2006 10:54:00 PM
❥A Brand New Day Is Always A Brand New Start
Im going to talk to my soul in this post.Phil i know you are feeling the greatest regret of your life now.
Yes, i am.What happened?
Someone is going to marry soon.Who is that person?
She is just a very special friend since secondary school. I used to have a certain interest in her during secondary school days. All i know its just crush if i ever think back. Yesterday during attachment time, im reflecting on what i really want in life. I suddenly remembered this special friend of mine whom i really neglected so far. Im always blinded with desires. I always know that she is a very nice gal and will be a very good wife in future. But... I never see her as one of my type then. Till yesterday my soul asked me to date her out.
So why do you regret?
I happened to ask her out today. Just to see hows she have been. I will never forget what she said to me few years ago. I was blinded by a girl who really dont deserved to be. During that period of time, this special friend of mine told me.
"I think if you never fall for this girl now, I think we should be together now."
During that naive mind of mine. I dont know what she meant. I was thinking so hard now, but actually know that its already too late. Though i do not have any love for her. I know i had just lost 1 really good chance to redeem what i should have got.
When she told me just now.
"Hey, you know, Im getting married soon."
I was thinking its a joke. I ignored and smile.
"I tell you something more surprised. Im pregnant for 2 months"
I still think its a joke too far fetched.
"I know you wont believe me, you can call hwee teng and ask"
My heart froze. A sudden regret filled my heart. For i believe its all truth.
why do you regret? It doesnt matter because you dont have any feelings for her.
Its true that i dont have any feelings for her. But...
You regret because you missed a chance?
I really dont know why i feel this way. I always know that i need someone. but my vision for that someone is very blur. I always say that i like specs girls, i like short girls. Its all bullshit. I realised what i really want after meeting her.
What do you want?
Im always happy go lucky. Always playing games, having dreams of becoming a song writer. Always want to have a girl of my dreams. Always want to play. When I realised that the one whom im always neglect, is actually the one my soul is looking for. It was then I realised what i really want in life.
Its not about enjoying life now like all my age ppl are wanting to be. Yes, i play, i enjoy life. But i feel empty in the end. I work so hard but i feel empty. Why do i feel the emptiness? this is not what i want. I had really open my soul and realise that the true happiness in me is...
Having a family of my own. To find someone whom i can live with. To have children. To watch children grow up. To play as a family. And not to play my games like what im doing now. What i want is the very next day, i see my wife and my kids before my very eyes.
Dont be naive phil, Having a family is not as easy as u think.
Why do u think im naive? Yes its tough. Yes its going to be a lot of problems. Be it mentally or financially and other problems that i have not faced before. I will feel stress. I will feel being tied up. But what i feel now is, this is what i want. I cant describe how i feel. Its beyond words. Its a feeling I know its right.
How are you going to deal with the problem now?
There is nothing i can do but wait. I just feel im lacking of responsibilities. I had played enough. I dont enjoy playing anymore. I dont enjoy working towards my dreams anymore. I know i will change to a real me if i really found the special one who will maybe walk into my life one of these years.
I m always in search for the special one. I just want to settle down. I had too much of playing and enjoying of life. Today is the mark of the end and the start. My mind is set today. I will say goodbye to the old phil. Yes a lot of ppl relates my name to "Failed". From today onwards, i will add Victor to my name to make a balance in life. Be it superstitious.
I had voice out what i really want to. I had faced regret. I learned a big lesson in my life. I have untied the knots in me for nearly 5 years. This is what i want in life. Its not about playing games anymore. Its not about my dreams anymore. Its about building for a future now. A simple life. A wait for the special one to appear. A special one who have the same vision as me. A special one who wish to settle down as early as now. Its not about looks. Its not about character. Its not about feelings. Its all about common visions.
A great grand child for my grandma and grandpa. I want to see the picture of my granny and grandpa carrying my child, their great grand child. Im crying now. The tears are for you, my beloved grandma and grandpa. If you ask me why i cry? My tears are just my love for you.
You all can say that im dreaming. This is ultimately what i want now. If you cant accept what i said. Feel free to scold me. I welcome anyone to challenge my ultimate want, to prove that Im wrong. For i know, no1 will be able to do that. This is not a sudden desire. This is what i want .