Retribution

I certainly believed what im facing now... those failures, those hurts, those setbacks, whatever sucky stuffs ever happened all this while. Is just simply my retribution.

I can owned up whatever bad things i haf done in the past. till now i still cant 4give myself for it. Stealing... done something bad towards sm1, hurting some1, watever shit i had done... i owned... today i owned up.. but whats the point... i reali dun kw. wats done is done.

I hate myself for doing those things. I always looked into the future. When i c people around me.. i always bring myself back to the past. Is it my determination not good? Is my mentallity not strong enough? Or is it just God wants me to pay back all the sins i had done......

I believed im paying back what i did in the past. Im gona pay for it for the next ten years, twenty years, maybe forever.... i look at myself... i look at the mirror.. i felt the hatred in my heart.. for who? simply myself... i dun kw y i hate myself so much... i cant faced myself in the mirror anymore. i hate to see the looks of myself. I felt disgusted... so horrible.. so... useless.. watever shit verbs to describe me.

Im always running... always running.... I believed those dreams i dreamt at night are telling me that im going to face more setbacks.... I dun know whether im ready for it.. When it comes i take... if i cant take it... i will go down... and never get up again. Different ppl had different lives.

Maybe my life is organised this way and this manner.

I cant expect ppl to understand me if i dun even understand myself now. Many ppl hate or dun like me.. thats it... i cant change their way they think. maybe thats y friends after friends' gap btw me gets further and further away. Its just within me. Thats the thing, that substance in me... thats bothering me. B4 i cud take that away.. i must know wats tat thing or substance inside me.

Even i cud take that away, those things i lost, friendship i lost, love.... trust..... watever.... will never be returned to me again.... Locking myself in front of my blog is the only i can find to realise and release the pollution inside me for the time being. It wont last long... for good. I cant find sm1 hu can realli listen to me... friends? true friends? buddies? they got their own lives and stuffs to get on. I dun kw... i onli know hu reali cares abt me simply dun exists..

24 hrs a day... i spent none on useful things. sleep... eat... slack..... think and think and think and THINK.. is all i did... no actions... no nothing... no watsoever... i cant move... simply i m lost in this god's created maze. I can smile... i can laugh... i can crap.... i can enjoy myself.. but... my soul is not enjoying...

Always reminding me to be optimistic... always remind friends to be optimistic... but wat did i do? wat haf i done so far? wat i acheive? ZERO... i never progress... even i did... Its just like "snake and ladders" game. happily climbing up the ladders... u think u had gone over it. but after a few more steps, u r slided down to the old steps again... when u reached the hundred spot in the game... U r peacefully sleeping in the coffin.

Ultimately.... humans set high goals... but at the very end.. like the game... the hundred spot means your death. mayb this the pessimistic side of viewing things..... i had seen ppl hu r worst than me... living happily away.... i should learn from them rgt? but simply... i cant

its not saying that i want that... i will get... i know i seems like shooting words back to my head again. its me... cant u see? im confused... im lost.... at times i dun kw wat im saying here... i just keep going and going.. saying stuff out of my mind... my heart.... my everything... that r flowing in my veins...

Im totally worn out. theres no more motivation, no more reasons for me to do those things i dun like to do... just tell me why... where those motivations gone to? Im a person who dun like to be defeated... to lose... in any areas... ever since young... i seems lacking the control over it now.. Maybe im numbed.. since young... mum always compared my results wif my cousin. i always lose. I DUN LIKE IT... so i studied very hard... in the end... i still LOSE... I STILL DUN LIKE IT.

so i try...again and again.. until i reali know i cant win him... reaching secondary sch... more battles i lost.. reaching poly.... i totally lost the war already... im like a prisoner letting the enemy doing what they wished towards me...

Games.... sports... YES SPORTSMANSHIP.... i played my 100% in every soccer games wif my friends in the past. its just a simple and casual game.. i still will fight as thou as im playing for the final match of the competition. SIMPLY I DUN LIKE TO LOSE... When i lost, i will get very disappointed in myself... till den i seldom play soccer already.... the fighting spirit is lost.... at times... even online games.. i dun like to lose to others.. i play maplestory... to many ppl this game sucks.. i dun care... i like and thats my business.. currently only level 76 now... i had seen ppl level 80 plus... or rather the highest level 100... i wil tel myself they r no life ppl... or is it just to close the "no losing" heart? I can play till morning wifout a wink of sleep just to level up quickly in the past. but now i cant anymore

i reali dun kw.... retributions coming and coming... just kills me.. and i wont feel the injury impacts one after another. secondary time, i tried suicide once due to BGR.... silly enuff for now i think... i wont suicide now cos thers still a lot of responsible in this family i haf yet done. not for me... but for my family... i dun need a wealthy lifestyle.. i dun need luxury.... even if i need, is mainly for my family..

if those resposibilities i cant accomplised... means i will LOSE to those responsibilites... no i cant lose... u ask me y i dun like the feeling of losing? i dun kw... but luckily i know im not those extreme type, who will fight back wif any undesirable ways to win...

its getting very late.... i cant go on typing...... typing for the past 1 hr... i m done... aniway i also dun kw wat im going to say animore... nitez phil... please love urself more phil...